Day 11 on dry land.

I guess I could post everything on FB, but then again, my Mom and Dad don't have an account. (Thankfully, they can stay true to just living in 'oblivion' and remaining sane... not to say that I wouldn't love if they would just add a txting plan to their phones ((sorry, MnD, I know you are reading)).)
I'm having a thuroughly grand time here. Truly. Yes there have been hiccups, but who doesn't have those!
My daily plan looks something like.... (well this is hard, since a typical day doesn't start in the 'morning' - like a typical morning of waking up. I feel like there is not start and no end, since I work nights.) Um, I guess I would consider Now as my beginning. It's when I leave work. I officially end my shift around 5AM, and usually hang for another hour cleaning up my papers and prepping for the next day. I put my Nike's on and while the other 2 agents with me take the van back to the hotel, about 3/4 mi. away, I walk. Past the lingering dogs, down the hill, hoping that the river has still receeded from up and over the bridge. Today I walked out of the air conditioning and looked at the sky and thought.... 'I think it's going to rain today.' and then I had to laugh cause my next thought was, 'But it rains everyday.' Welcome to the rainy season of the Philippines! (This is the 'cool' season, where it's only 80-90 degrees every day, and moisture lingers in the air like a damp sheet on the clothesline.) I've not heard anyone utter the word humidity, but me. It's just how it is.
Yesterday as I walked home there were some gangly looking kids climbing on what I found to be a Lime Tree, the branch hung low, and I honestly wondered two things.... 'should I offer them some money for a lime' (or do they want/ need it for themselves) and 'how can I climb up there and get the limes they missed?' Problem with stuff here is I never know how much it costs. The cost of living is so much cheaper- a bottle of beer is 45 pesos (which is about $1.10) and a lunch at work is around 65 pesos ($1.80 or so), but that's really cheap, or should I say 'reasonable.' The hotel food is about 30% more. We did find out why the taxi drivers liked us so much in Manilla, where we stayed during an 8 hour layover.... it's cause we tipped on an American scale... BIIIIIIIG mistake.
Where I stay, it's kinda like a resort for folks. There are little huts (probably twice the size of the picture you have in your mind, right now) with an open room in the front, and then around the wall that the bed is against straight in front of the door, there is a place to hang clothes and three built in shelves. next to that is a sink with an open space under it, and then next to that a bathroom with just a toilet and a shower. (It's nice, made of marble) When I walk home I pass a long building that is a vocational school, and where the hotel is, it's actually on a 'compound.' but the biggest one I've ever seen. So there are several fields interspersed with some random and rather large buildings. (oh, and yes, cows just wondering around in the fields, it's really rural where we are.) (and yes, I did think," Jeannine, you're never supposed to END a sentence with a verb!")
There's a beautiful high ceiling lobby that is made of wood and has flowing curtains, and fans that look like whimsical, white, flower petals, and we are NOT allowed to use the swimming pool on the other side, cause it's for people to rent out the Villas. Which just means you have more 'space' to breath. Right now? I'm headed home to the 'other' pool. Which costs $1.50 to swim in everyday, but it's well worth it. (especially cause it comes with with a Pool Guy who brings me breakfast every morning, and his name is Ronnie.)
I'll be updating more often, and sharing pics. as soon as I figure out how to upload them.
Miss the whole lot of you.

It's my birthday today.... I'm happy about that. Something about being here. Breathing. Taking advantage of who and what's around me. I'm learning to be selfless. It's not working. But I'm still trying it out. I figure it's gotta kick in sometime. Fake it to make it.

Goals starting today.

1. Exercise 3-4 x's a week (Stop being such a wuss, Jeannine!)

2. Give whether that means money or time or both. (Do something that hurts, Jeannine!)

3. Be prepared. Organize my life and work a bit better, including saving money and planning events like vacations, and short trips to acheive goals. (Plan to do something that hurts more, Jeannine!)

4. Pray without ceasing (Pray, and let God's life influence yours, Jeannine!)

5. Journal so that i have record of all of these things. (You know your memory alone is a lost cause, Jeannine!)

It's thundering out.

I can't figure out if that's why I can't sleep or not.

But when I'm awake like this, all I can think about is work.

What needs to be done, what I can do better, how I can help others excel?

How can I excel? Not just in work, but in life (but maybe that's work?)

I like the word Excel. It just makes me think "move forward." I want that.

I think there is a time to stand still, a time to ponder, to breathe in the moment.

And then there are times to excel, to propel, to motivate, to surge, to grow, to act.

The lightening strikes, finally, and everytime, no fail, I count... One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, until the thunder rolls and either I feel a tinge of fear, or count into the night.

Today I had a marvelous day....it was a stretch, and I don't feel like the day is done, yet, but so far, so good.

Painting is my gig. Precise, straight lines-I really do love them. So I did some of that.

I planned to go running with a friend over the weekend. I like to run.

I went to work, and hired two people to my company. (Not MY company, but the one I work for.... I hope they do really well.)

I watched 1.5 episodes of Band of Brothers with friends down the street and decided to have a record listening party... you know... one where you drink wine/beer and just sit and listen, and talk to each other without watching a TV of some sort, and listen to music. (Did I already say that?)

And finally, I get to sit on this awesome chair that i left at an old church I used to go to and found again 3 weeks ago, and listen to a record that was on sale 'just for me.'

Sometimes I don't know about having purpose, or finding my daily purpose or being of purpose in the world, but withing freedom to pursue happiness (which can often be found in the midst of our purpose) I have found blessings.

(o! AND I found where the mice in my apt. ((that are now, hopefully, all dead)) were storing the walnuts that they found in a plastic bag a few months back!) BONUS!

Those are my parents. They are going to be married for 40........40! years. It's time for a party. Don't you agree?

A song with a swear word. (Sorry, Mom)

I understand there is a way to read the writing on the wall.

And I know that there is height to the clouds above.

I can hear the ocean spray across the sandy shore.

I can lean into the wind on Mt. Top

And I want to lean into you.

I want to touch the scars in your hands

I want to look down from the heaven's

To feel the touch of your moist cold breath

and join in the fight of your spirit

I want to lean into you.

You're so wild you're so wild and I don't know what to do

You're so wild you're so wild and I want to be with you

Would you be tamed for me, Lord?

Would you walk into the flame, Lord?

Would you put the reigns on?

Would you become lame, Lord?

Would you take a cut, Lord?

Would you keep the buck, Lord?

Would you get down on your luck, Lord?

O, Geez, what the fuck, Lord?

You're so wild, you're so wild, I don't know what to do, Lord

You're so wild, you're so wild, and I want to be with you.

Not to be confused for my relationship with an ex-boyfriend.

It is -5 degrees out. That means it's cold folks. My car was even complaining as it couldn't keep up with it's heating priorities. (My car HATES it when I'm not warm enough... She's so good to me) I asked her what was wrong and she asked me if I would ever consider plugging in a space heater if I couldn't be content with what she was offering me. I gave it some consideration, and this is what I said- " Little car, my little car, I am very happy with you. You give me light for the road ahead of me and travelling mercies to every destination. I put gas into you (unless I'm a dummy) and oily liquids, and sometimes I take you to my friends', down at the shop, to show us what things can be changed for the better. I'm sorry that I don't wash you as much as I should (I'll make the effort to change) but generally, as I pour into you, you pour out for me. I love it when you play my favorite music and hug my body with your padded seats. (Heck! you are asking about my needs, and you are just my car!) You make me so happy. Space heaters are for wussies, by the way. Now show me some o' that nasty speed you put down!" Ah, yes, I think my car takes better care of me than people... sometimes.

Cold Hands, Warm Heart.

I've met someone who has colder hands than me. (Does that mean he has a warmer heart?) I think he might. I've been blessed with terrific friends. I mean really, how often do we have the privilege of having someone be brutally honest with us? Honesty with delicacy, tenderness, and love: Honesty without the necessity to defend or retaliate: Honesty that is not only there to give, honesty that exposes onesself and needs to recieve kindness in the same way... does that really happen? I'm finding out that it does. (And no, it's not just coming from 'him,' it comes from alot of my friends.) And I'm wondering why I'm just noticing this today? I mean I've noticed it before, but why write about it now? Is it the season? Is it my spiritual state? Is it that I am just bursting with thanks for once and letting it overflow? (I think sOO-oooo.) In a time where there is alot around me disturbing my life, uprooting me from comfort and leisure... I embrace this kindness.

2:54 and all's well!

Things happen when you are pushed beyond your limits.
For instance...when you get no sleep (or maybe just an hour of sleep in a 24 hr. period), and have to stay awake to watch the baby in the morning.
When you feel like you can't do 2 more minutes on the step machine at level ten but literally yell at yourself under your breath until you do.
When your good friend talks too loudly in the car and you have sensitive ears.
When your good friend tries to brush your hair and doesn't believe you when you say "ow, stop" three times cause you have a sensative scalp.
Or when people generously give and there's nothing to say but Thank You.

I like limits. I like being pushed beyond them. Now, I may not like them initially, like when I'm going beyond them. But there are benefits- opportunities for truth,tenacity, honesty, humility, anger... things I like to keep inside that need to come out. Can all limits be broken? I wonder.

The Christian's Secret of A Happy Life H.W.S.

I'm doing two things at the moment.
Listening to a superb album for reading mode called Compunds+Elements (an introduction to All Saints Records).
I'm also reading the book mentioned above.

Trust. God can't work in us if he doesn't have it from us.

That's pretty much it. Meditate on these things.

Have a great day.

One Vanilla Java Porter Later

I just got home from "time with Jean." I kinda feel all gushy on the inside. Like when I get to the end of an episode of Little House on the Prarie. She tried to call, but that didn't work. She tried to work my door bell- out of order. She made her way to my neighbor's and got let in and up to my apt. door, and says.... I have to do something in town, but let's get a few afterwards.
I jump at these moments. There is no plan too big to give up, no reason to not go. "Time with Jean" is precious. We head out to a bar that is offering jobs. I ask for the application, she hands me the pen. I show her the beer on tap across the way, she get's up for a closer look.
We are talking before we get out of the car, all the way into the place, on our way to the table, past Dave, who's kinda nice looking, talk. Italy, finances, Italy, (tell the waitress we don't know what we want like three times.) Eat casually, drink even more casually, Italy, making French Onion Soup, making Tiramisu, Friends, Road Trips, Italy, Loosing Weight, Sofa stories, just when we talked about the time (and I'm thinking she means to go), Jean puts her feet up on the empty chair from the table next to us... whew, Italy, exercise, Mom's birthday, Mammy paying for help around the house. And we pay and we talk all the way out (no City newspaper by the door). She was called Momma by the waitress and we laugh and talk about that. (About how whenever we go out, people think we're mother and daughter). And we share places in our lives where we ask God to be with us, and when we just need Him to be there, maybe with us not realizing or asking. We talk. And by the end, my heart is glowing, and I feel enriched, and privileged and glad Jean is my friend.

Clear

It's a really clear night out. You can see the stars. Yup, they're still there. Kinda constant. I mean, each one dies eventually but for me the common man, I find that the consistency of them being out there is good enough. I like that. Something is constant, something I can rely on. It's no Aurora borealis (but the picture is cool, isn't it?) One day all this beauty will be gone. But there will be a new earth. And man... I can't wait. (I mean, obviously I can...) but can you imagine... newer than this one, more crisp, more clear, brighter, lighter, cleaner. Let the light come.

Spot

I'm in the Spot coffee joint. The one in downtown Rochester. I love it for several reasons.
Reason #1. It's noisy enough that I can read or study, but not be distracted by the clamoring conversations.
Reason #2. It smells good. Sometimes like coffee, sometimes like a piece of toast (or better yet, a croissant) just came out of the toaster.
And Reason #3. I meet friends here. I've never just come on my own. It has quite a nestalgic feeling of being a friendly place.
I met Christina here (which lead to another meeting with her in Buff. Buff. Buffalo. ((or was that before....???)
And I've met Jen here on several occasions (I'm meeting her here tonight... quite possibly with Christina?)
There are other times. Times with Brandy.
And it makes me happy to be back. A reason to give a little post and say.... " Thank you The Spot, I appreciate your being here."

Pickles

I'm not very fond of pickles. They have their purpose, and they smell great when I walk by the grill room at work. There someone is... getting a dill, fresh out of the pickle bucket, it's placed next to a bag of potato chips and ... well you get the point.
I was approaching the 'coffee' table at the end of a meeting at church and there was an offer of cucumbers, and penny-pan squash (who knew it would taste GREAT with blueberries?), and so I took both. The cucumbers are for pickling. Why... you ask... would I take pickling cucumbers if I don't necessarily like pickles? Well, I'm not sure myself, but when the offer was thrown out there, I thought to myself... I can pickle stuff. I may not eat it, but sometimes when people come over... for instance just now as I'm writing, my Dad who will be here in a week's time.... they may like to try a pickle.
I notice I'm in a bit of a more generous spirit lately. I'm thinking of what I can do for others. It may have to do with this money course I'm taking. Realizing that I want to still care and hang out and do 'stuff' with others, but do it without spending money... that's sometimes tricky. Good thing most of my friends are taking this course with me and we all realize the state we're all in. I'm becomming over zealous to have things clean and tidy, and even if it's not my mess. I'm looking at the mess going... that's going to have mold on it in two more days.... just clean it up now. Seeing the end result. Wanting a better end result and actually doing something about it...that's the hard part.

#2

(Spiritual) Psychopath

I was just sitting here thinking what that would mean, exactly? Wikipedia is great, you know... "Lack of a conscience in conjunction with a weak ability to defer gratification and/or control aggressive desires, often leads to antisocial behaviors." So, in reality it's not remotely intertwined with spirituality, it's just normal everyday life stuff that someone deals with. BUT if we were to refer it to spirituality, I think it pretty much means the same thing.

I remember growing up in the church. My parents and family had instilled a very strong sense of right and wrong into me while growing up. I'm thankful. I still have little blue K-mart lights flashing in my head when someone is hurt, or something bad is said- or when I hurt someone, or say something I shouldn't. It's just my choice as to how I'm going to deal with the light.

Deferring gratification... when I'm the one who is looking good? when I'm the one who get's to laugh at the joke aimed at somone elses expense. Controlling aggressive desires... what does that mean? You actually mean I'm supposed to help someone else get a leg up in the company? I'm not supposed to lash out when it's not my fault? What about me???!!!!

I have a friend who once said she'd rather be a doormat if it meant that the person was walking on her to cross the threshhold to the Kingdom. (I still think she's a little crazy... but considering... I see her as more and more reasonable.) Look at Joseph's life in Genesis-Beaten, sold, imprisoned...looserville! Yeah, and then he was Pharoh-ing!

I guess I still want my conscience. I still want the little light, the pang in my heart, the 'woah' in my giddy-up. But sometimes more, I need to use the 'ability' inside of me to act on the voice that has been with me so long. Who else can I trust?

#1

I was rummaging (don't you just love that word) through some old art that I've made, and mixed in was this poem. Thought it was a good start to a new blog. I didn't write it, but I did memorize it at some point during my high school carreer. (If memorizing includes forgetting.)

Martha Snell Nicholson



My Advocate



I sinned. And straightway, post-haste Satan flew

Before the presence of the Most High God,

And made a railing accusation there.

He said, " This soul, this thing of clay and sod

Has sinned. 'Tis true that he has named Thy name,

But I demand his death, for Thou has said,

'The sould that sinneth, it shall die!' Shall not

Thy sentence be fulfilled? Is Justice dead?

Send now this wretched sinner to his doom.

What other thing can righteous ruler do?"

And thus he did accuse me day and night,

And every word he spoke, O God, was true!



Then quickly One rose up from God's right hand,

Before Whose glory angels veiled their eyes.

He spoke, "Each jot and tittle of the law

Must be fulfilled: the guilty sinner dies!

But wait. Suppose his guilt were all transferred

To ME and that I paid his panalty!

Behold My hand, My side, My feet! One day

I was made sin for him, and died that he

Might be presented faultless, at Thy throne!"

And Satan fled away. Full well he knew

That he could not prevail against such love,

For every word my dear Lord spoke was true!



I've found that as I talk my way around the gospel, it's skin, the fingernails, the hair color- there is still only one foundation, one root- the skeletal truth, the bone and marrow. God set this place up and He made the laws for us, he made the way for us to live, and yes, there is only one way for us to live successfully. And that way is to throw ourselves onto His grace for this perfect law we can never align ourselves to. It was never given to us to be able to do it on our own. It was always His hope to be involved with us. There is always a sacrafice, and it was never us. It was first a garden, then a lamb and then a man- who happened also to be God, himself. He took his own rib, his own flesh and sent it down once again. Looking for salvation. And he found it.

In this day, an advocate is a person who vies for your character. One who stands behind the truth of what is known about who you are, and says, "I'll stand behind you, next to you, and even with you through this." I won't run away. I want to be with you.

I hope we keep Jesus with us. This thought of his advocacy. This empowerment of our existance- everyday, living life with He who is our best friend.